Cheese of the Month Club

Is it possible that a cross-section of the male population is suddenly turning into chicks? Lately, I feel as if I’m caught in a poorly directed Tween dramedy series. I’ve dealt with two different (yet almost completely the same) scenarios in the past several months that have really got me wondering about the power of the penis. Maybe at some point, they all dry up and fall off. I can’t be certain.

In the first situation, our hero (let’s call him Becky) calls me to tell me that he’s been thinking a lot about the way our crappy ‘relationship’ ended. I’m paraphrasing… he was far more emotional and sappy than I could hope to be. He went on and on about the fact that he would never be completely happy until he found someone to share his life with. He had never dedicated the time it takes to foster a healthy relationship. Would I please consider taking another chance on him? I briefly considered it, but then I remembered that I didn’t really like him all that much. He was a shitty boyfriend, at best. I decided that I was much more content with his friendship.

Imagine my surprise when a week later…. Facebook tells me that he’s ‘in a relationship’. WHAAAT? You have GOT to be kidding me. Did he order one of those Russian mail-order brides? How is this even possible? Well, it turns out that a green card was not part of the equation. The chick in question is someone I recognize from the local bars. Now, to her credit, she has always been very nice to me. She’s that girl that hugs EVERYONE like they’re her long lost best friend… mostly because she’s always drunk. She wears extremely tiny and inappropriate clothes which showcase her saggy, heavily tattooed ta-tas.  Oh… and she’s about 50 with two adult children. Hmm… how interesting.

What followed was a string of strange texts from Becky about his new tart. He wanted advice and my opinion about everything. I was praying he wasn’t going to ask me to go shoe shopping. Why are we chatting like girlfriends? I don’t really care to know about all of your ‘dates’, which conveniently are all showcased on Four Square if I lose track of what episode we’re on. Oh, is this ‘Becky and Tramp go to the bar’? Or ‘Becky and Tramp go to the other bar’? She’s a bartender, you see, so she ‘knows people’.

Fast forward a good half dozen weeks, and the status on Facebook changes to engaged! I wonder to myself if he sustained some sort of traumatic brain injury at some point that I’m unaware of. This girl is hardly marriage material! She’s a once and done kind of broad. At least now Becky’s four year old daughter will have a solid role model… and someone to share clothes with. I’m not holding my breath for an invitation to the wedding which will no doubt feature paper plates, cocktail weenies and a keg of Busch light. It’s all for the best. I know Becky’s taste and I would have ended up in a hot pink taffeta bridesmaid’s dress. He’s a bitch like that.

The next scenario sucks slightly more because this Gossip Girl (we’ll call him Cindy) is actually quite a catch. He’s fresh out of a long term relationship that could aptly be described as rocky. I went head to head with another woman for his attention and lost round 1, largely because I don’t know how to do one of those duck faces when a photo op presents itself. All of her photos on social media (of course I looked!) were a bunch of girls who clearly bang each other’s boyfriends. There were noticeably no photos of anyone’s back… probably because they were all riddled with stab wounds. I kept the communication open with Cindy primarily because I really enjoyed the witty banter, but also because I knew he had fallen victim to the cheese of the month club. There was no possible way this chick could hold anyone’s attention for longer than 30 days. I was kind of looking forward to the ‘I told ya so’ moment.

Of course… that’s exactly what happened. Instead of getting my high heeled foot back in the door, I somehow managed to become a BFF of sorts. He’s telling me about his dating life like we’re two hens sitting at Starbuck’s sipping Lattes. During a two month span, I heard “I think I met someone” from him three times. I meet people every damn day! Are you talking about the UPS driver? Did he just deliver a wedge of sharp cheddar as this month’s selection?

I have to admit that I’m awesome with the advice… but C’mon! For the love of God! All the while I’m thinking, “shut up and take off your pants!” Seriously… I want to see if there’s a vagina under there. In all sincerity, I’m not mocking a man’s ability to be emotional. Aren’t you people supposed to be the level headed ones? Get to know people for the right reasons and find someone who stimulates you mentally as well as physically.

I speak from experience, my friends. The last serious boyfriend I had (we’ll call him Tina) did the exact same thing when we started dating. He was so into me right out of the gate, which should have been a huge red flag. He was by far the hottest guy I’ve ever dated and we spent eight straight days together. Within a week of knowing me, he said “I love you”. Rational Me says… “Whaaaat? Are you out of your mind?”, but Romantic Me thinks it’s a great idea to be in a relationship. A year later, I know that it was the idea of a relationship I loved, and that Tina was an extremely hot piece of ass that didn’t have everything I wanted in a potential life partner. People do this for different reasons. Primarily, maybe they’re just lonely. It’s a classic case of misery loves company. Most people would much rather be unhappy with someone than die alone. What if your ex has moved on? Well, you can’t let them be happier than you! You’d better show them who is boss. Just make sure that person catches wind of it, or else your efforts are in vain. If that person had shit for dinner, you’d better go back for seconds. We can’t have that kind of one-upmanship, now can we?

I almost feel a little bad for telling Cindy today to go update his Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’, because that’s what I-Carly would do. When it’s all said and done I respect people’s horrible decisions and know that you can’t learn from mistakes unless you’re permitted to make them. I’m sure I’ll still be around when Gouda reaches her expiration date, because that’s what girlfriends do for each other.


2 Responses to “Cheese of the Month Club”

  1. January 7, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Hi, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your blog in Firefox, it looks
    fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!
    Other then that, awesome blog!

  2. 2 Robin Jaffin
    August 17, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    you are my new hero… hysterical…. thanks for the reminder that snarky is the best medicine…

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

May 2012
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