My Hamster is an asshole

I had two hamsters when I was a child. Their names were Cindy and Billy. I know… dumb names. In hindsight, I’m pretty sure they were both boys because there was never any hamster humping going on. Cindy escaped one day (probably because he/she was experiencing an emotionally troubling gender identity crisis). After about a month, I was playing jacks in my kitchen, when one of the pieces fell into a heating grate in the floor. I reached my little hand down in there to retrieve it, and to my horror I discovered what was left of Cindy. It was a little bony hamster skeleton with a few randon tufts of fur. Of course, this qualified as my first dead body. You see, I’m a Gemini and we exaggerate everything. I ran around the kitchen screaming like… well, a little girl. Had I known at that moment that I’m essentially a hamster assassin; things may have turned out differently.

Fast forward to “grown-up” Jen … I know, just roll with it. My own darling little girl really wanted a hamster, but I’m still a little scarred by the lingering thoughts of Cindy’s corpse. Then, I found out that her father wouldn’t let her have one at his place, so I had a change of heart. How could I possibly pass up the opportunity to be the cool parent? On Valentine’s Day 2012, Jack the hamster became part of our family. I was surprised to find that he was fairly friendly. He cooperated when I needed to remove him from the cage and seemed happy by hamster standards, I suppose. My daughter would run over to the cage to greet him every day after school. She was a great hamster mom, and I was a decent hamster grandma according to her. One day, I noticed that Jack had curled up in his food bowl for a nap. How adorable, right? After two days, I began to realize that the nap might be permanent in nature. Of course, I did what anyone would do and poked him with a McDonald’s straw to see if he moved. Nothing. Shit! I debated the ol’ ‘replacement hamster’ maneuver, but my kid is far too smart to fall for that. I broke the news gently. She ran around the living room screaming like…. Well, a little girl. Did I mention that she is also a Gemini? She basically accused me of the unthinkable… Hamstercide. She threatened to tell her dad, her summer camp teacher and the government about my propensity to murder helpless rodents. I tried to explain that Jack had gone to a better place. She screamed at me through her tears, “The dumpster? You think the dumpster is a better place?” Ok… so I did put the hamster in the dumpster, but to my defense I live in an apartment building and don’t own a shovel.

Obviously, I hadn’t learned my lesson because I went out and bought her another hamster. Let me tell you, this one is a dick! Maybe word is out on the street in the hamster community that I’m a murderer. I really can’t be sure. All I know is that this little asshole hates me. I tried to take him out of the cage the other day so the little princess could watch him in the hamster ball. That little jerk bit me so hard it drew blood. I eventually crammed his ornery little ass into the ball. He just stood there, refusing to move. I can’t be positive, but I think he may have been flipping me off in there. He routinely tries to chew himself out of that cage at 3 am to freedom. The little turd EATS PLASTIC like it’s nothing. I’ll be honest; I want the hamster to die. Relax; I’m not going to bash it in the head with a shovel or anything. I’m completely opposed to animal cruelty and we’ve already established that I don’t have a shovel. During one of my ‘Breaking Bad’ moments, I heard my neighbor’s cat purring outside. Hmm… I’ll bet he’d find a hamster snack delicious. Everyone knows that once you hit three murders, you’re branded as a serial killer, and I certainly don’t want that on my conscience. Hence, I decided against my murder plot for the time being. Regrettably, I’m sure this particular hamster will live ten years, so I suppose I’ll just have to stock my wine rack and deal with it. 


2 Responses to “Hamstercide”

  1. October 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Next time, get her a pet rat. It sounds gross to most people initially, but they are cleaner, less smelly, and don’t bite. Google it. They have about the same lifespan of about 2 years, so it’s not a very long commitment. Your daughter could do more than watch a rat run around in a ball – they are playful and social.

  2. 2 Jana
    May 17, 2013 at 3:02 am

    This I the second time in about 4 months that I read this post. I laugh myself to tears everytime I read it simply because I can relate. I too, bought my daughter a hamster, which the one quickly turned into 5. Unbeknownst to me, we had bought a girl and that said girl, was preggers!! So basically, we got 6 hamsters for the price of one. Thank goodness, because had I’d paid for ALL of those hamsters, I would’ve been super pissed when my beautiful cat decided to eat every single one of them and leave bits and pieces of them all over my living room. I came home from work to find hamster explosion in my home and it was HORRIBLE!!!! I ran out to the pet store, bought a starter aquarium and TONS o fish, explained to her that, well…her hamsters escaped and got out the back door on an accident~how could I possibly tell my, then 8 year old daughter that there had been massacre in our home while we were away???

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

September 2012
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