14
Jun
13

The Package Tour

NKOTBLast week, I had the pleasure of attending the ‘Package Tour’ featuring NKOTB, Boys II Men and 98 degrees at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. How could I pass that up? First and foremost, the name of the tour alone is hilarious (I’m not sure if that was intentional, but I have the maturity of a 12 year old, so I giggled). The deliciousness of naming your tour using a term best described in the Urban dictionary as ‘male genitalia (penis and scrotum together), often associated with large size’ simply cannot be overlooked. Factor in three giant black men… Undeniably funny.

I dressed up and put the boobs in the window in the event that Donnie Wahlberg might spot me in the crowd and just insist on having me all to himself. I’m not much for celebrities, but I’d probably let that guy donkey punch me. I may or may not have had a giant button with his face on it when I was 16. My allegiance was always with him because he was the lovable badass of the group. He looked like he might murder your family, but he’d probably send you flowers afterwards.

I wasn’t fully prepared for what I would see when the cab pulled up to the arena. Was I in a Delorean right now? Oh my god, is this 1990? I’ve never seen that many really large women decked out in neon t-shirts, glitter and side ponytails. Why were they all holding homemade signs? “F*uck me Jordan”? Is there a chance that’ll work? I suddenly felt really attractive. I secretly hoped ‘America’s Next Top Model’ was there scouting. My friend and I would be shoe-ins. We were some of the only women in attendance who didn’t look like they were really good at baking cookies and banana bread.

The show itself was amazing. Boys II Men made me swoon, however I couldn’t get that Old Navy white pants jingle out of my head. They’re exactly the way I remember them. Their songs immediately make you want to sex someone up (unless you’re surrounded by middle aged women wearing acid washed jeans and banana clips). They were all dressed in white, like tasty chocolate guys wearing a marshmallow coating… Giant, sexy s’mores, if you will. It was amazing.

I’m not going to pretend I care about 98 degrees. I honestly talked about how I couldn’t wait to see Donnie’s ass through most of their set. It was finally time for NKOTB! Holla! They certainly did not disappoint. Donnie had tweeted out a little challenge to the Cleveland fans the night before. He’d stated that we were historically in the top three loudest cities. Could we make it to #1? He’ll no, Donnie. This is Cleveland. We’re never #1 at anything. Check the last 50 years of our sports teams histories if you doubt me. Maybe he could wear a Brown’s jersey and pretend to score a TD. Hell, we’ll take a field goal! Nonetheless, the women cheered feverishly, as if those men were made out of delicious cake.

The cheesy old-school 90’s boy band moves brought back so many awesome memories. I’ll admit it… I knew every routine back in the day. They looked sexy and sounded fabulous. When all was said and done, my mid-life crisis concert experience was everything I hoped for and more. Well… Except the Donnie donkey punch. Maybe next time.

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3 Responses to “The Package Tour”


  1. 1 Mary
    June 15, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Detroit was the same with the whole 1990s vibe. I walked into the concert and it was side poneytails, neon shirts, long Lacey Madonna gloves and I thought wtf I must not have gotten the memo. Haha

  2. 2 Kell
    August 5, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Saw the concert in Minneapolis… and it was just as fantastic. I completely agree with you, Donnie is by far my favorite. Good stuff! As confused as I was by all the older women like you said… I was even more confused by the teenagers there. They can’t possibly know who these people are…can they? haha

  3. 3 Sara Taylor
    August 15, 2013 at 8:31 am

    My friends & I went to the Summerfest show in Milwaukee and the Target Center in Minneapolis and both were AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! It was the same thing for us as well… a bunch of 35-45 year old women walking around in neon, spandex, and lace! I can only wonder if a Debbie Gibson concert would be the same thing…


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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