Ok… I’m sure everyone is waiting breathlessly to hear how Team Tampon Tailgate (T3) panned out. Was anyone arrested? Were any bras set ablaze as a tribute to women’s equality movements before us? Was it an absolutely kick ass time? Hopefully, I’ll be able to answer those questions for you today as well as address the unfortunate inability to comprehend sarcasm that apparently has befallen on some of our comrades.
If I’m being completely honest, the tailgate wasn’t all that different from any other debaucherous Brown’s home opener. People drank excessively, hurled insults at opposing jersey wearing fans, and peed in pop tents housing toilets. That last one still upsets me a bit, but there are just some times where a tee-pee is in order. It’s really quite impossible to be the biggest asshole at a Browns tailgate party. You don’t want to get yourself caught up in that game of one-upmanship. With that being said, the group who hosted T3 were a pretty solid pack of people. We had a great set up, complete with tents in the event of rain and an elevated DJ booth. As the morning progressed, people were fighting over photo opportunities with our amazing picket signs. I can’t lie… signs duct taped to sticks can be quite cumbersome. I didn’t look as adorable as I thought I would, especially factoring in the gale force winds blowing off the lake. Holding one of those up with any sort of conviction was nearly impossible. To be fair, I might have trouble throwing a touchdown pass under those conditions as well.
The news crews showed up relatively early, which was fortunate. It’s much more difficult to pretend you’re super pissed about something when you’ve been drinking vodka and Gatorade for hours. (It’s critically important to stay hydrated). DJ Dela Vega kept us entertained throughout the morning with the tunes. He played my anthem ‘Blurred Lines’ at least twice, which makes women (myself included) dance like idiots. You automatically lose any sense of rhythm and dance like a roofied college student the minute that song comes on. He also gave me the opportunity to get on the Mic and let my voice be heard. Naturally, I did that by electing to rap ‘Fergalicious’ to the entire Muni Lot. Oh shit… Why am I mad again? I’m sure I’m supposed to be sending some sort of message to the masses. Wait… where did I put my purse? AHA! It was all coming back to me! The contents of my purse were in a Ziploc bag adorned with stickers, duct tape and a picture of Coach Chudzinski’s cherubic little face. Where the hell did I put my Coach purse? After a brief disconnect, I was back to full on protest mode. Ok… who am I kidding?
I think the best part of the whole T3 experience for me was the media reports. Better yet… have you ever scrolled through the comment thread on a news channel’s Facebook page? Holy hell, if you haven’t, you are missing out on some primo entertainment! People were seriously angry with me. They never bothered to read the original blog entry https://thebroadsside.com/2013/06/26/491/ so they thought that this ‘protest’ was my life’s work.
Among my favorites?
Michelle from Parma: She was so upset with me! She must have made 30 different comments about how much of an idiot she thinks I am; ironically spelling most of the words incorrectly and completely avoiding the use of punctuation and capitalization altogether. She insisted that nobody but my family and friends were paying any attention to what I had to say. We all know a Michelle from Parma. She’s the reason you’re not allowed to joke around or have any fun in the office. MFP will be right there raining on your fun parade, inevitably accusing someone of sexual harassment. We all know that NOBODY (including her husband) wants to have sex with her. Her complete lack of sense of humor and inability to comprehend any sort of sarcasm or wit make MFP a real delight to be around. She said some pretty insightful things such as; ‘get off your high horse’ and ‘just stay your butt at home’. She’s soooo bossy! However, I’m sure when her double fudge brownie recipe goes viral and everyone wants to talk to her, she’ll be singing a different tune.
Random gun holding profile pic dude: “Get a life!” Oh… OK. Well, where do you suggest I order this ‘life’ that you speak of? I certainly want to make sure I get mine from the same place you procured yours. Internet, perhaps? I hope he doesn’t shoot me while shirtless, as his profile picture seems to suggest he’s inclined to do.
There were a bunch of hilarious other ‘insults’ hurled at me by people who just don’t get it. I have to say, that in itself has made this experience more rewarding by tenfold. I can’t imagine a reasonable human being seeing something dubbed ‘Team Tampon Tailgate’ and thinking that it was a legitimate cause. This has honestly been one of the coolest experiences of my life and I’m fortunate that I have friends who will sign up for my asinine social experiments. Hmm… what’s next?
Special thanks to Christian Dela Vega, Carrie Young, Melanie Paskert, Jen Dover and Sharon Caramell for being the heart and soul of all things ridiculous!