You like football, right? I mean… Doesn’t everyone? I have a feeling you probably dabbled back in the day. Am I right? You have punt returner written all over you, my good man. Go special teams! Well, the reason for this letter is relatively simple. I wanted to get my Christmas gift request in fairly early this year so you’d have ample time to make good on it. You see, I would like a new Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns organization. Before you get ahead of yourself and remind me how selfish it is to want yet another QB seeing as we’ve already burned through a few this season and an unfathomable 20 since the team returned in 1999, let me clarify. I would like a GOOD QB. A franchise QB like Brady, Brees or Manning (not the shitty Manning… The good one). I want one who plays every Sunday and throws passes for receptions (and ideally TDs) … Repeatedly. Sounds reasonable, right?
Consider this on the same tier as one of those requests from darling children asking for world peace for Christmas instead of presents. Santa, this really is a gift for the entire city of Cleveland. Damn, I’m such a humanitarian. I’m not really sure where you should start your search, and evidently neither is the Browns front office. Let’s just keep them out of this altogether, shall we? Since I’m all but certain your workshop is incapable of handling such a huge undertaking, I’ll try to help. I’d start by hunting down women that Bernie Kosar slept with in the late 80s- early 90s. There’s bound to be some illigitimate sons out there somewhere. What a heart warming story that would be! They’d probably even make a Lifetime movie out of it starring Valerie Bertinelli as the misunderstood groupie working at Hooters. Seriously, I just teared up a bit.
Also, I’m not entirely opposed to having a robot QB, although I’m not really sure what league regulations are on that. Mr. Goodell won’t even let me bring my purse to a game, so I’m sure there’s some sort of robot ordinance as well. Another option would be to bring back performance enhancing drugs so that when we actually have a promising prospect, he doesn’t fold like a paper doll after two starts. C’mon Santa… Don’t tell me you don’t miss steroids! My request might sound unreasonable, but I have faith in you even though I asked for the Michael Jackson Thriller doll when I was 10 and didn’t get it until four years later when my grandma found it at a garage sale. Bush league, Santa. Bygones, though. You’re working with a clean slate here. If anyone can make this happen, I believe it’s you.
In closing, Santa… I’m not going to pretend I’ve been good this year. We all know that’s just not true, but this is actually HUGE for you too. Just think how much easier life would be for you if little Timmy Johnson asked for a jersey with his Browns QB’s name on the back and it actually lasted an entire season! Or MORE! What?? That would be awesome! It saves you and the elves the man power and Timbo’s mom a trip down to the Goodwill when the wheels fall off the QB’s ill fated bus. Everybody wins, big guy.
Maybe next year? Well, I think that’s up to you, Santa.
P.S. Whatever you do, avoid Jeff Garcia’s house when you’re establishing your flight plan.