true love’s kiss?

I’ll be completely honest, I’m NOT a Disney fan. Even as a child, I disagreed with the messages the stories sent in regards to women. Why do we always need to be saved? Thank God for men! What would all of us poor meek girls do without the stronger, smarter male gender to bail us out?

I’m not sure what happened in Maleficent. Perhaps Minnie Mouse finally got fed up and went to the board of directors. Everything we’ve learned through the many years of sexist Disney movies is notably absent. Maleficent is in essence, a Prequel to Sleeping Beauty. It takes us inside Maleficent’s story and enlightens us on how she became such an evil presence. Get this… It was a guy’s fault! Maleficent was a happy little fairy, beloved by everyone until some cocky, power hungry man came along and stole her spirit.. And her wings. This Stefan jerk wanted to become king so badly that he betrayed his friendship with a really sexy fairy in order to do it. Essentially, he roofied her and hacked off her wings. Disney date rape? Whaaaaattt?

I don’t know about you, but I’d be pissed. One time, I was stood up for a date and took it out on all of mankind for a good 48 hours. I can’t imagine what I’d do if someone performed surgical procedures on my hot, passed out body. Granted, Maleficent went a little overboard. “I’m really angry. I know what I’ll do. I’ll put a curse on a baby.” In my opinion, this is a little extreme. Most babies are pretty chill. Stefan is a jackass, but messing with his infant is just wrong.

Cursing babies

Cursing babies

The curse is the ever popular “prick your finger on a spinning wheel on your 16th birthday and fall into a coma” curse. That’s the best you could come up with? Naturally, father of the year decides to send his baby, Aurora to live in seclusion in the woods with three really dumb, non-motherly fairies for 16 years and a day. Why wouldn’t he? That’s clearly the best solution. Aurora grows up to be a pretty annoying teenaged girl with zero social skill (that’s what forest living will do to a girl). However, as Maleficent keeps tabs on the girl, she grows to care for her a great deal, for some reason. We begin to see a softer side of her character.

Of course, Aurora has a gentleman suitor who becomes enamored with her, I’m guessing based solely on her looks because the character could not be more boring. Prince Phillip, apparently is a normal teenaged boy.

Try as they might, they just can’t keep Aurora away from a damn spinning wheel on her 16th birthday. It’s seriously, the worst birthday party ever. I’d probably be looking for a way out too, in her shoes. Maleficent desperately tried to revoke the curse, but she’s so good at curses even she can’t break it. Aurora falls into a deep, beautiful slumber which can only be reversed by “true love’s kiss”. Maleficent urges Prince Phillip to kiss Aurora in hopes that she will awaken. This might be my favorite part… They acknowledge how creepy this is. Thank you! You should NEVER make out with someone who’s unconscious. EVER. You’ll get arrested. Phil protests a bit by pointing out that he’d only met her once, very briefly in the woods. Thanks for not being a complete tool, Phil. Maleficent eventually convinces him to plant a very non-sexual, quick kiss on the sleeping princesses lips in front of witnesses. No monkey business! Well, it doesn’t work. Do you know why? Because Phil doesn’t love her. They just met, so that would be weird. He thinks she’s hot… End of story.

Maleficent has all but given up at this point. She’s responsible for this coma, which somehow requires no medical intervention on any level. I looked for feeding tubes, to no avail. As she leans over to say goodbye, she gives sleepy head a sweet, motherly kiss. Guess what? Life of the party wakes up! True love doesn’t have to come from a man? What? Is it possible that we don’t need men to save us? Well, this is a new development. I feel like Walt must be turning in his grave. We’ve destroyed his vision of helpless women everywhere!

Listen, Maleficent isn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a true story. However, kudos to Disney for at least attempting to make women a little less needy and pathetic. I was actively looking for a boyfriend before I saw this movie. To hell with that! I have a kid AND a cat. I can get “true love’s kiss” any time I want.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

June 2014
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