16
Feb
15

I Only Counted 17 Shades of Grey, Max

50 shadesI reluctantly attended a showing of the highly anticipated, supposedly super sexy film, 50 Shades of Grey last night. Full disclosure… I read exactly one page of the first book. It happened by accident when I picked it up off the floor at a SAMs Club. I tried to read a random page in the middle, but it was so poorly written that I couldn’t fathom reading even one additional page of that crap.

I summoned two of my cohorts and we met for martinis before trudging over to the theater in the -2 degree Cleveland weather. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I mean, this was going to be super hot, right? Maybe people wouldn’t be able to control themselves sitting in a dark theater with strangers while watching soccer mom porn. I brought a rain poncho just in case. I also brought sunglasses. I wasn’t afraid that people would see me. I just wanted to avoid the possibility of making eye contact with one of the other Girl Scout moms as she was being led to her seat in a spiky dog leash and ball gag. I didn’t want to risk that awkward exchange, especially during cookie season.

The basic plot of the film (if you can call it a plot) has our leading lady, graduating college senior, Anastasia Steele subbing for her roommate in a meeting with billionaire 27 year old business man, Christian Grey. The accidental meeting naturally turns into Mr. Grey proposing the two enter into filthy sex contract, which I’m sure is a legally binding document in sex court. Clearly, the smartest move you can make as a handsome billionaire with everything to lose would be to approach a total stranger with your closeted, freaky sexual habits. How could that go wrong?

Christian has previously managed to convince 15 other women not to call TMZ and engage in his fantasies of the dominant/submissive relationship, as we find out. I believe the intent was for this character to be a tormented, yet sexy and successful, misunderstood soul. The result of the casting, unfortunately made him an extremely un-likable, creepy, robot man with a potential murder spree in the not too distant future.

I'm going to start saying this to random strangers

I’m going to start saying this to random strangers

Anastasia was drawn to this cyborg for some reason. That part never became very clear to me. I wasn’t buying into the chemistry between the two characters. I’m just going to put this out there… It’s weird to buy someone a car after a week of flogging their naked ass. That’s a one month anniversary gift, at best. That’s precisely what happened though. I’ll be honest, I spent most of the remainder of the movie wondering how he was able to sell her old car without some kind of consent. It hardly makes sense that she’d need to sign a consent form in order to agree to nipple clamps, and yet we just go all nilly willy on a huge transaction such as transferring ownership of a motor vehicle. I knew this wasn’t a true story.

It wasn’t a total loss though. How many times do you get to see a shirtless piano concerto in the dark as a post-coital ritual? Handcuffing people is probably pretty exhausting and who couldn’t use a good tickling of the ivories afterwards? The hottest part of the movie for me was when I inadvertently dropped some popcorn down my shirt and had to fish it out of my bosom. I instantly wished I’d opted for the extra butter. Tell me that isn’t wildly erotic.

I saw two movies last week: this one and Spongebob. I’ll be honest, Spongebob was sexier. Hands down. At least he has a sense of humor. He’s also a more believable character than Christian Grey.

On a parting note, I’ll leave several suggestions on how 50 Shades of Grey could have been a much better film…

1) The roommate should have been the one to attend the meeting with Christian as originally intended. She was the only character I liked. She would have banged him once and moved on, saving me approximately 109 minutes of my life.

2) Make Christian an interesting person… Perhaps a doctor who performs life saving medical measures and THEN flogs Anastasia’s ass and buys her a car. They could call it Christian Grey’s Anatomy.

3) New leading man… Mr. Squarepants. The sex scenes would have been far less ridiculous.

Laters, baby.

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7 Responses to “I Only Counted 17 Shades of Grey, Max”


  1. February 17, 2015 at 7:14 am

    Reblogged this on Poetry by Pamela and commented:
    Since I refuse to waste my time reading the books or watching the movie, this “review” is helpful (it shows me why I am wise to pass on it).

  2. February 17, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Your thoughts mirror my own, though I never actually read the book. I love your line ” The hottest part of the movie for me was when I inadvertently dropped some popcorn down my shirt and had to fish it out of my bosom”. Honestly, our world is in desperate need of some moralsand I think the unbelievable popularity of this book/film proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt. At least, it proves it more than it proves how appealing it is to enter into some kinky sex contract…

  3. February 19, 2015 at 6:28 am

    Can’t quite say I’ve rubbed one out to Sponge Bob. I prefer more of a curvaceous animated feature to get the old juices flowing.

    Hey, Jen. I love your stuff and have a little side internet project (non-porn related) that I’d like to discuss with you if you’re so inclined. Talented writers only.

    Think about it and hit me up if you’re so inclined. Would love to have you on board.

  4. 6 Douglas
    April 16, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Hey Jen – I’ve just stumbled across your blog and wanted to tell you that I think you’re absolutely gorgeous! What a shame that I’m not a) 30 years younger and b) on your side of the Pond. Ah well…

    All best, Douglas, London


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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