LinkedIn… You’re Doing It Wrong

Tell me these people aren't sexy!

Tell me these people aren’t sexy!

I’m embarrassed to say that I recently discovered I’d been using LinkedIn ALL WRONG for years! I was under the impression that it was a professional networking site used for resume swapping, recruiting and job searches. Wow, do I feel like an asshole! Apparently, it’s actually a dating site! I know it has to be true because someone much smarter than me, who gets paid millions to make decisions uses it in this manner.
I have a bit of a history with the Don Juan in question. He’s a pretty well known figure in professional sports who is adored by the masses. I have no problem with meeting people online… In fact, he ordered me on the internet a year and a half ago. The difference, you ask? Well, that was on a DATING site. Two people consciously decide that they’d like to entertain meeting new people and perhaps begin some level of romantic exploration if things go well. You know full well what you’re signing up for and everyone is on the same page, for the most part.
Last week, one of my good friends received an “invitation to connect” on LinkedIn from this guy. To be fair, that does sound pretty damn sexy. Once connected, she received a 2 am message which is always appropriate on a career website. It happened to be almost the exact same message I received from him on match.com last March. To be objective, perhaps he thought some of her endorsed skills were statistician or batting right handed. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I can’t imagine that he was sitting around at 2 am looking at thumbnail sized pictures and decided, “well, she has a pretty head. I think I’ll hit on her.” I mean, that would be ridiculous, right? One would have no idea who is on the other end of such a communication. What if she’s married or 8 months pregnant? In my opinion, that’s pretty ballsy, but he’s SO smart! He must know what he’s doing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be the one who’s wrong in this circumstance. I’ve decided to embrace my mistake and make some immediate changes. First and foremost, there isn’t nearly enough cleavage in my LinkedIn profile picture. Also, I hate to solicit endorsements, but if there are any ex-boyfriends who would kindly log in and endorse me for skills such as back rubs and fellatio, I’d really appreciate it. I’m sure that has to be in the drop down menu of endorsable skills. Also, how much fun will it be to make this pop-culture mainstream? “Check her out. I’d sure like to put my link in that!” This is gonna be awesome! The unemployment rate will probably skyrocket, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Additionally, I feel that this has really opened my eyes. Why have I been holding myself back? Seriously, who needs Tinder when you have E-Bay? Am I right? You’re selling a crock-pot? I think we all know perfectly well what that means! I’m getting aroused just thinking about it. As a courtesy to you, I’ve compiled a list of other websites which can also be used to try and have sex with strangers. Outside of the obvious LinkedIn and eBay selections, I’ve listed a few more below!
Modern Bride
Mommies of Multiples

Better Business Bureau

You’re welcome, you bunch of freaks. Now, go get some!

4 Responses to “LinkedIn… You’re Doing It Wrong”

  1. July 31, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    A friend/customer of mine (I tend bar) recently told me she met (and bedded) a guy she met on LinkedIn. I joked about it but after giving it some thought, which you have here as well, that site seems as good a venue as any to land some booty.

    I mean, it’s the internet and God bless it.

    If you can pick up a woman in a laundromat (which I have, pre-internet days), then why not a professional job site?

    • 2 Jen
      July 31, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      I get it, but if you’re a celebrity it’s probably not the smartest move! All it takes is one message to someone’s wife and you’re in the tabloids.

  2. 3 Bill
    August 1, 2015 at 9:34 am

    I was with a woman a year ago who had put a rather non professional picture of herself (her head is horizontal vs vertical?) as her pic on LinkedIn and I asked her about it. She floundered severely with her answer. I’m 100% certain she gets invitations and messages to “connect” to be “interviewed” for a “job” at local hotel rooms and locked offices after 5pm, or , hey, why not at 9am and gets “paid” for the interview and dang…she still doesn’t have a check paying 9 to 5 “job” and that’s going on 4 years now?? I give her credit though, for her creative internet marketing of seductively advertising her “professional” skills on a professional “networking” site. I would think her professional (professional means main paid occupation vs pastime) “interviewing” business is very profitable and no boring conference calls or meetings to stay awake through. She performs her services, which if behind a locked office door during the day, only adds to the excitement, and then on to her next scheduled “interview.” I’m with you though, time to add a better picture and a healthy dose of innuendo wouldn’t hurt at all.

  3. 4 Mark from central OH
    August 5, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Jen, my wish is to see you supplant Amy Schumer in any forthcoming chick-raunch comedy flick that Hollywood spits out. You totally rock!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

July 2015
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