01
Mar
16

Offensive Line Coach Cover Letter

While perusing an email regarding employment opportunities supposedly tailored just for me, I came upon a posting for an offensive line coach position at John Carroll. I said, “F*ck it, why not?” and applied. Is that offensive enough? So, I’m probably getting the job… 

 
Kind Sirs,

 I’d like to thank you in advance for taking the time to review my application for the Offensive Line Coach position at John Carroll University. I’ll admit that I was a little surprised to see it as a suggested career option in one of those nifty employment emails that typically get filtered as spam. I’m not quite sure what I have plugged into the search parameters to generate this as a good fit, but upon further reflection, I think it’s an excellent choice. I wasn’t intending to abandon my life as a shoe store manager, but if the qualified people at the employment service think I’m capable, then gosh darn it… Let’s do this. 

I’ve taken your list of qualifications and eloquently responded as to why I think I’ve got each nailed. I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m a great candidate for Offensive Line Coach at John Carroll University. Please let me know when the best time for my interview would be. I’m really hoping this works out because I’m not feeling the sous chef opportunity in Syracuse, NY. 
Thank you and Go Sports! 
Jennifer J Verrillo (2 time FFB Champion) 
My Qualifications: 

Demonstrated success in coaching football, preferably at the collegiate level- While I have not held a collegiate coaching position up to this point, I’m proud to say that my fantasy football team, “Ovarian the Barbarian” is a two time champion in my very competitive league, Blurred Sidelines. During my reign as manager, I’ve successfully overcome a number of obstacles including player injury, unfortunate player involved criminal activity and the occasional flat-out disappointment, which I like to call “Manzieling”. 

Experience at a successful NCAA program is desired- Oh, I have experience. While attending SUNY Oswego, I was often called upon for high pressure situations, such as performing anchor duties in flip-cup tournaments. 

Experience with recruiting student athletes with a high level of proficiency, both athletically and academically- I’m exceptional at Networking. At the risk of this sounding like a humble brag, I’ve been re-tweeted by former MLB player and ex-husband of THE Halle Berry, David Justice as well as the broad who plays “Topanga” on both Boy AND Girl Meets World. I’m confident that I could round up some high level football player prospects with limited time on Instagram or other social media platforms. #FootballGuys #DoYourHomework

Strong intrapersonal communication skills, both verbal and written- I think I’ve demonstrated that sufficiently. 

Demonstrated organizational and management skills- Things I have organized: My closet, my social calendar, trips to Spring Training for two consecutive years and a tailgate protest over the NFL’s purse ban. Things I have managed: Numerous Retail Stores, my weight, Fantasy Football Teams, and my anger. 

Proficient in use of technology- I’m currently authoring this cover letter on my I-Phone 6S. I also have orchestrated it so that all of my highly entertaining Facebook postings automatically roll over to Twitter as well. If that’s not a two birds/one stone situation, I don’t know what is. I also have Snapchat. 

Ability to promote the University and football program to a variety of internal and external constituents. One word… HASHTAGS. 

Strong ethical character- If someone had toilet paper on their shoe or an unsightly glob of broccoli wedged in their teeth, I would probably tell that person. Also, I once found $100 on the floor at the BMV and returned it instead of pretending my plates weren’t expiring and fleeing the scene. 

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1 Response to “Offensive Line Coach Cover Letter”


  1. March 10, 2016 at 11:17 pm

    I’d hire ya’ but I already have my offensive line shored up.

    What’s scary, however, is how many people probably actually list that they’ve won their fantasy football leagues on their resume.

    I bet that percentage is ridiculously higher than we’d like to believe.

    It’s why Donald Trump is about to be president.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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