03
Apr
16

Ipsy Glam Monster

Torture Mask

Beauty is hard

I have a serious problem. It all started about six months ago when I decided on a whim to subscribe to Ipsy. Sounds harmless enough, right? I honestly had no idea how little I knew about makeup or anything else beauty related at all. I started getting all this great random stuff that I didn’t even know existed! I took it as a challenge to use each and every product, whether I thought it made sense or not. I can’t lie… I had to Google 90% of it. I decided this was a wise choice after I used a gold eyeshadow crayon as lipstick. For the record, it did NOT look good. Eyeshadow as a crayon? When did THIS happen?

I’ve had a face my entire life, and yet clearly had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with it. Two of my favorite things so far have been a Smashbox primer and a collagen mask by Global Beauty Care. Did you guys know you’re supposed to prime your face before you paint it with makeup, like a god-damn wall? What? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that when I was younger? “Hey, Jen… You really should consider throwing a little spackle on that face of yours.” I would have been super hot! Now, we’re dealing with a wall with more than its fair share of imperfections. It’s like a wall in an apartment building that has had nails repeatedly hammered into it. At the end of the day, my little tube of miracle primer makes quite a bit of difference in the appearance of my face/wall.
As far as the collagen mask, I was pretty apprehensive at first. I was fairly certain I was going to suffocate and die. I’d hate for that to be the way I go out, considering I looked absolutely ridiculous and the responding paramedics would undoubtedly be sexy. It was a super slimy feeling mask and the mouth hole was impressively small. Who do they think has a tiny mouth like that? It’s more like a beak sized hole than a human mouth hole. Thank the lord I had straws for my wine. There’s no way I could have made it through 20 minutes of that torture without the comfort of Chardonnay. I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s like to be waterboarded. I would have told you anything you wanted to know at that point. As I peeled it off, I realized my face had never felt that amazing! After you rub the collagen residue in, you’re left with this super refreshed and tightened up feeling. How did I live without you, torture mask?
After a few glam bag deliveries, I decided to launch myself directly down the rabbit hole. I started following Marie Claire, Cosmo, Makeup Geek and any other entity which may offer me tips. I started hanging out at Ulta far too often. There may be a restraining order… I’m really not sure. I’ve done unreasonable things, such as purchasing a curling iron that cost $130. It doesn’t even automatically curl your hair for you! You still have to do all the work. However, the results are pretty amazing and it comes with a hot pink curling glove that makes me feel pretty bad-ass. I love you, Sultra Bombshell!

Bad-ass curling glove

Bad-ass curling glove

I suddenly find it impossible to pass up any article titled, “7 must know makeup hacks” or anything along the same vein. I mean, to my credit it does say MUST know. It’s not as if it’s simply a suggestion. I also listen to pretty much everything Kylie Jenner has to say these days. She told me to put scotch tape ON MY FACE to get a great cat-eye look and I didn’t even hesitate. I had tape all over my face in a matter of minutes. In the past 24 hours I’ve also put coconut oil and honey on my head, secured under a Giant Eagle bag. Kylie didn’t tell me that one, but I’m sure she just forgot to mention it. If she made a You-Tube tutorial suggesting that I dip my legs in kerosene and light a match in lieu of shaving, I’d probably be on board. My Ipsy bag should be arriving soon and I can’t wait to see what this Glam Monster will be getting next!
P.S. Kylie, if you’re available… Could you tweet me what color lipstick is appropriate for a baseball game. In Cleveland. In the snow? I’ve got big plans tomorrow.
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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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