20
Apr
16

The Least Horrible Dating Site

I’ve dabbled in online dating over the years, and obviously nothing has panned out yet. I’m currently sitting on my couch covered in cat hair, clutching a pint glass full of Chardonnay. Don’t let that stop you from taking some of the following advice based on my recent experiences with five online dating sites. I’ll put the disclaimer out up front… Everyone is different. You may LOVE some of the awfulness I describe. Who knows? I’m going to rate this backwards, so the least terrible site will be sitting pretty at #1.

#5- OK Cupid
This is where all of the internet’s horrifying people lie in wait. There isn’t any verification process on this site, so if I want to pretend to be a Victoria’s Secret model, your Aunt Mary or the right fielder for the LA Dodgers… It’s all good. As a subscriber, you are blindly trusting that the person on the other side is who they claim to be. This cloak of anonymity creates some monstrous behavior, as I’m sure you can imagine. There is a huge contingency of 20 somethings just dying to get you on KIK so they can bombard you with penises. Next thing you know, you’re dodging dicks like they’re being shot with a bow and arrow. I’m including an actual profile picture from OK Cupid, which encapsulates anything youFullSizeRender (1) need to know. It’s worth noting that this particular gent had not one, but THREE shirtless, no-head pictures on his profile. The worst part? They are clearly three different bodies. I’m pretty good at that photo-hunt game where you spot the differences, and these are three distinctly different sets of nipples. This site also has a very large selection of shadow man profiles. You know what I’m talking about… The guy who can’t upload a picture because of his super successful career. Suuuuurrre! I’m sure that’s exactly why you’re unable to publicly be on a dating site. I wonder how Mrs. shadow man feels about this. It’s a free site and people can get pretty vulgar. I would avoid it at all costs unless you’re a 20 year old man looking to sling some dick pics at unsuspecting strangers for fun.
#4- Happn
I really wanted to like this one, even though it sounded borderline stalkerish to me. The basic principle is that when two people on the app “cross paths”, you’ll be able to see their profile. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of activity in my hometown of Cleveland. I attended both the Indians and Cavs games on Sunday and only came up with two hits. 40,000 people and TWO are on this app? Those odds aren’t very good. I did have one dapper guy show up on my feed five times recently.  I’m fairly confident that he’s my mailman. Some of the activity made me uncomfortable. For example, I supposedly “crossed paths” with someone at 4:15 am on Monday morning. I can assure you that I have not seen 4 am in many years. How am I crossing paths with someone as I’m sleeping? Is he outside my window? Is he banging one of my neighbors? I may have my locks changed, just in case. Honestly, the whole thing is just flat out creepy and I’m afraid I’ll have to move or get a new job if someone ends up popping up on my feed once too many. It’s more like a warning than anything else… Hey, watch out. This weirdo is around you a LOT.
#3- Match
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a paid site, so it has to be better, right? I think Match cornered the market on dating sites right out of the gate, but I’m all but convinced this is where people go to die. It’s a safe environment and I 100% believe that most people are looking for a serious relationship. However, I feel like they are looking to add water and sprout an instant relationship. This site feels extremely lonely to me. My suitors were largely 55+ and would send messages daily, regardless if there was a response. If I sent a polite “I’m not interested” reply after 10 unrequited messages, it wasn’t good enough. They’d insist that I tell them why. Seriously, what’s going on here? Did your cholesterol screening come back high? Is your prostate enlarged? What is so urgent about immediately falling in love? It’s not for me, mostly because I plan to live for an extended period of time.
#2- Tinder
This may surprise some of you, due to the reputation as a hook-up site. Granted, there are an immeasurable number of douchebags on this site, but it’s also super easy to weed them out and only deal with who you want. You have to link Tinder to Facebook or Instagram, so it’s a little harder to generate a fake profile. I like being able to see mutual connections as a safety net. Also, you get to decide who is allowed to communicate with you. I’ll be honest, I almost dislocated my wrist swiping left, but every now and again you find one that may be worth your time. Have you ever shopped at TJ Maxx or Marshall’s? It’s essentially the same idea. You have to dig through a lot of crap before you find something appealing, but it’s probably worth it. If you get a bunch of douchebags on Tinder, it’s probably completely your fault. Realistically, all you have to do in left swipe on the following… 1) Anyone not wearing a shirt, 2) Anyone wearing a very small (sized SMedium) shirt while flexing and taking a mirror selfie at the gym, 3) Anyone with a boat, car or motorcycle as one of their pics. It’s really that easy.
#1- Bumble
Congratulations, Bumble for being the least horrible dating site I’ve experienced. It’s a relatively new platform and definitely has some flaws, but let’s focus on what I like first. Like Tinder, you have control of who you communicate with and can see mutual connections on other social media sites. The woman is empowered with the first contact. You have 24 hours to send a message to your connection. If you don’t… You lose. I’ve always rolled my eyes at the lame, thoughtless messages I’ve received from men on these sites. Now that I’m in the driver’s seat, I realize that it’s not easy. I’m still selective with my swiping, but I’m finding that the success rate has been much higher with the role reversal. I NEVER send the first message. The problem? There are a huge number of fake profiles. They aren’t catfish profiles, however. They are obviously bait. Bumble creates perfect profiles to get your interest, without a doubt. There’s absolutely no way that many perfect looking Drs and attorneys who also model on the weekends live in Cleveland. Not one of them share any mutual friends with me, which certainly sends up a red flag. It can be a little disheartening when the cyber-bots don’t like you back. A male friend confided that he didn’t care for the site because “hot women don’t like me”. I had to assure him that imaginary hot women are the ones who are indifferent. 

I’m fully aware that the perfect man probably won’t materialize while I’m on my couch watching ‘Boy Meets World’ reruns with my cat, Topanga (that’s really my cat’s name), but I do believe that online dating can work. For the love of God, just don’t try to do five sites at once. XOXO

P.S. Linkedin still isn’t a dating site, so just stop, for the love of God. 

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1 Response to “The Least Horrible Dating Site”


  1. April 23, 2016 at 4:06 am

    Beautifully written as always, my dear.

    Of course, you could always list The Broad’s Side as your home page in your various dating profiles… and the boys would just come running.

    At least that way you’d weed out those that couldn’t crack a smile.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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