15
Aug
16

Is your online dating profile pic the worst? 

 

Online dating has always been pretty fascinating to me, mostly because you have the opportunity to people watch from the comfort of your own couch with a bottle of wine. Let me say this… There is a LOT to see. I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert here. The fact that I’m single with two cats will back that up. However, I’ve certainly learned a lot during my time served.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve stumbled across a profile and wondered what the guy could have possibly been thinking while setting it up. There are times I’ve practically dislocated my wrist while swiping left to avoid some of these profiles. After much thoughtful discussion with some of my girlfriends, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps they simply don’t know what women consider bizarre or abhorrent online behavior. Well, friends… I’m here to help.
I prefer sites such as Tinder and Bumble, where mutual acceptance drives the experience. You have to get past the initial impression before any messages are exchanged. This is where I essentially become an online gardener, heavily armed with my weed-be-gone. In no particular order, I’ll list some of my tips on your profile picture selection to ensure that nobody ever swipes right on you. EVER. Continue with the following, and you might as well change your name to Spam, because you’re headed for the junk bin. I’ve even included some helpful, real life examples taken from a five minute swiping session.

Shadow Man Pic: This is always a good one. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve received messages on OK Cupid from these internet lurkers, which is one of the main reasons I detest that particular site. They always spin some ridiculous tale about how they are super successful in their career and can’t risk people at the office seeing their profile. Oh, sure! I totally get it! By “career”, you mean marriage and by “people at the office”, you mean your wife and kids. They always try to convince you to use KIK messenger, which allows them to anonymously assault you with dick pics without exchanging phone numbers. If you can’t put your face out there like everyone else, we all know it’s because you have no business on a dating site in the first place.

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Anthony is so handsome! 

Car, motorcycle or boat profile pic: Are you a car, motorcycle or a boat? Probably not. Don’t get me wrong, if I had the chance to date some super cool transformer boat/man combo, I’d most likely be on board (literally, because he’d be a boat) However, when you use inanimate objects as your main profile pic, you devalue your self worth along with mine. Do you really want a woman who’s only in it for your material possessions? In my opinion, it screams insecurity. If I want to find a great deal on a car, I’ll visit autotrader.com, not Tinder.

Child or animal profile pic: Are you a Doberman or a seven year old boy? Why is it so hard to have a picture of yourself as your main photo? I totally get it if you love your dog, cat, kid or iguana. You’re supposed to love them. It honestly just creeps me out when I’m swiping through endless pics of shirtless douchebags and happen upon Johnny Jr’s tee-ball pic or a dog in a Halloween costume.

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Matthew looks a little young 

Where’s Waldo pics: I love guessing games, but if I have to try to photo-hunt you in a group picture from your matching shirt, Smith family reunion, that’s no longer a fun game for me. A picture of your golf foursome, your wedding party (that really happens) or anything else requiring a CSI team to determine who you are, is discouraged. It’s really a simple equation. There should be exactly one human in your profile picture. One HUMAN. Got it?
Ridiculous Filters: Are you IDGAF guy on Tinder? I don’t know how anyone would think this is a well executed plan. I don’t need a guy to give all the Fs, but I find it hard to believe that none of the Fs are available to be given. Seriously… Maybe a handful of Fs? It’s not a smart move. It’s also Ill advised to use filters regarding your political affiliation, especially this election year. I don’t care who you’re voting for, but if you feel the need to announce it before we’ve even said hello, then I know you’re probably a lunatic.
Sunglasses: We all look infinitely cooler in sunglasses. In fact, I’m wearing mine right now. It’s acceptable to have one sunglasses pic, but if you’re wearing them in every one, it’s impossible to tell what you really look like. I’d be almost certain you were hiding something… Like a third eye. Once I see your face, feel free to rock the motorcycle cop look as you see fit.
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Oh Bill, you silly SOB

Goofy pics: Someone at some point in time probably told you that women love funny men. I would 100% agree with that statement. Any idea where the perfect place to showcase that would be? I’ll tell you this much, it’s NOT by putting a lampshade on your head or pretending a fountain is your urine stream. That makes you look like an idiot. Instead, try crafting a witty written portion of your profile.

Hopefully, some of you will find this information helpful. I was planning to include shirtless guy, gym rat selfie guy, and “look at all my bitches” guy who has an ex girlfriend in every picture, but I think we can all agree that we’re best served knowing that information up front. If they stopped doing that, we risk accidentally going out with one of them.

Happy Swiping XOXO

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1 Response to “Is your online dating profile pic the worst? ”


  1. August 16, 2016 at 4:50 am

    All sounds kinda complicated.

    Maybe I’ll just stick with the “dick pic” and hope for the best.

    I’m kidding, of course. Sort of.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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